Not feeling sleep right now.

Hello,

It’s 1:12 AM. I’m listening to Daft Punk’s new album, Random Access Memories (it’s awesome by the way), and have nothing to do. I guess I’m procrastinating from sleep…?

So my second semester of college is over, but it’s really my first semester of my declared double major in mathematics and computer science (Fall 2012 was when I was a music major. That changed quickly). I got a 3.81 GPA for this semester, which wasn’t as good as my 4.0 from the Fall. That could be because math and computer science classes are a lot tougher than practically introductory music classes–but I’m pleased with my grades. I passed Calc 2 and Data Structures which resulted in me being an officially declared computer science double major. There was no way I expected such a change within the first few weeks of college, but I’m glad I made that change.

Music will always be my hobby, to put it lightly. It’s more than that. Music will always be one of my best, and closest, friends. I will never give up on music. I will always be interested in it. I will always try to make music whenever I can. I can’t believe how much my musical taste has broadened since I could first remember. The first actual song I remember hearing is Aerosmith’s “Sweet Emotion”. Then I remember listening to all the pop fads from the late 90’s and 2000 like the Backstreet Boys, NSync, Britney Spears, etc. (I was an odd little boy). I remember being obsessed with No Doubt for a while. Somewhere along the lines, I got into Blink 182 and Sum 41. That branched out into a large group of punk-pop bands like Simple Plan, New Found Glory, and bands of that type. I think I stuck to all that stuff until around seventh grade where I finally decided to listen to the greatness that was classic rock (and by that I mean probably every band that performed at Woodstock plus more). All this rock lasted pretty much throughout middle school. I even had a very short screamo phase. Then when I started taking a music class freshman year of high school, I got into jazz. I have not stopped listening to jazz. I had a Rush phase during my sophomore year, but jazz trumped Rush. Only because I’ve stopped studying jazz have other music genres pushed their way into my playlists. Right now I’m really into a mix of jazz and r&b. I think one reason I really like this new Daft Punk album is because I’ve recently been listening to a lot of beats. Idk… I’m ranting about music.

The point is, I fucking love music, but I don’t think that I’m cut out to do it for a career. It’s not that music isn’t practical, it’s just that it’s not practical for me… Well… maybe it is. I’m not sure… Steph suggested that maybe music didn’t present a hard enough mental challenge for me. That’s true in some cases (like first semester of college), but recently I struggled through a jam session with my friend, just trying to imagine a rap/hip-hop bass line. I couldn’t do it. It pissed me off. There is SO much left to learn in music, and so much left to aggravate me, but I feel like I would get so enthralled and aggravated with music, that I’d eventually build up a negative connotation toward it. I would be to frustrated to do music. I don’t ever want that to be the case. Therefore, I switched to math/compsci. I’d be delighted to do math/compsci, even if it gets me frustrated–its meant to happen.

Part of it, I admit, is also because I want to be able to provide for a family. I don’t want to be a struggling jazz bassist or even college graduate looking for a teaching job to make a shitty starting salary at a public school with administration that make me want to kill myself. Of course I’ll face this fate anyway, but at least when I do get a job, I’ll make a good deal more than if I were to be a musician/music teacher. I want to be able to pay off college debt soon, and be able to get engaged soon. Sure I might not enjoy my career as much as I would if I were a jazz musician, but I think I’m more cut out to be a dad than a jazz musician. I’ll be much happier with kids who don’t have to worry about money.

Anyway…

Tomorrow, Steph and I go into Boston to see the Sox play against the Indians. It’s going to be a fun time, especially if it doesn’t get rained out or delayed. We both need a day together; away from work/problems at home. If it does get rained out, we’ll find something to do.

Speaking of problems at home, I recently found out that my mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Of course I’m nervous, but there are multiple things making me feel confident that my mom will be okay. Steph tells me that she’ll be okay. My mom says that everything is under control. Her nurse seems confident that everything will work out. I know I can’t be 100% sure. I don’t think it all has really hit me yet. As soon as it happened, people bombarded me with “Don’t worry, she’ll be okay.”, so I think I’ve just accepted that. But I need to accept that there’s a chance that she won’t be okay. I don’t know. I haven’t gone online to see percentages of survival or any sort of numbers. Even if I do, it won’t really hit me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think my mom as portrayed such a strong attitude towards it that I feel like she’s going to be okay and it’s just another 8-month project to get through. I’m keeping myself busy to not think about it.

I started going to the gym a week ago. I’m planning to go five days a week. I’d like to get in shape. It feels good–every time I leave the gym. I like being sore. I like having proof that I’m doing something right. I haven’t lost any weight, but that’s only because I just started. Sadly, I’m still eating pretty poorly. I eat way too much. I definitely won’t lose weight if I keep eating like I do. But whatever… At least I’ve started exercising. I’ll handle my diet later on, like when I go back to school and don’t have piles of delicious food thirty feet away from me.

What else to talk about…

Steph and I have been dating for three years now. It doesn’t even feel like that long. I don’t even know how to describe it–I can’t tell if it feels longer or shorter. I feel like I’ve known her forever, but I still feel like I’m in love with her. Idk.. *insert all dat sappy shit here* She’s awesome.

I’m fucking tired. I’m going to sleep. It’s 1:48 AM.

Good night,
Nate

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About NateFuller

Amateur computer scientist, elite eater of foods.
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